My computer clock says
4AM.It's not as though I've been able to think straight this past two weeks,
due to my inability to cope with you not being around and the lack of sleep
because of too much work, but I do know I should be sleeping by now. In the cab
on the road I was staring at the sky, requiring from it some sort of reaction,
because for the first time in a long time, I wasn't finding the fun in what I
was doing. So I settle for a roll of the eyes and some headshaking... I can't
sleep.
My knee still hurts due to that iliotibial band syndrome that does not allow me to run. I miss running. That is the one thing I do that gives me an hour and a half of my day all to myself. For an hour and a half I am fully excused for not caring about anything else in the world but my own body… putting my other foot in front of the other over and over… breathing through my nose and not my mouth… feeling the air wisps through my skin. It even gives me an excuse to curse, cry, smile at strangers, and raise my voice.
My eyes are drooping, and falling flat on my face from some mild form of fatigue would be the most logical thing to do. But, at this point, too much of my mental energy is going to my effort to keeping my sanity intact.
I MISS YOU BADLY.
I keep on telling myself one more day, I wish I had one more day or one more hour or one more minute with you. Just one more minute of looking at you or one more embrace or one more kiss or just one more moment feeling your presence. I know that's not true though. One more will never be enough.
I don't remember being so selfishly happy as I was when I was with you. It knocks the windout of me how 18 days of being with you could suddenly make the world without you be so unfamiliar. Everything is exactly the same as before you came. Same bed, same route, same people, same work but somehow it's different.
Now I am starting to regret not being able to do so many things with you I have always wanted to do. There were so many things to talk about, so many stories to share, so many questions I wanted to ask.
Then the things I miss, things I never thought I will – the long drive back home, the singing, the lines of your tattoos, the sound of your snore, you sleeping on my lap, your touch when you want me to stop biting you…. And so much more.
In the first few days of you being away, I wake up every morning looking for you beside me and when I realize you're not there anymore I think about how I could survive the day without you. It is only recently that I realized I have been surviving the day without you only it is painful. Now I have to figure out how everyday could be painless without you or if it is even possible.
I thank God for work opportunities and the patience to take on each task and job I get. I like being busy, having meetings to go to, scripts to write, stuff to research, things to figure out. I love and want to do this kind of thing. I just want to do all these with you around.
*sigh*
There are so many things to be done. I need to settle my family's finances especially now that I don't get "support" from "them" anymore. I need to get that done this year so I could start on my new goals next year. I want to start a business so that no matter where life takes me, I will always have something to go back to. I need to think about re-education. I need to go back to people and places I promised to go back to either to fulfill an obligation or some other practical or emotional reasons. I need to write – so many things.
I just need to find the energy, the appetite, and the patience.
Of course I am lacking sleep, and when I lack sleep and lonely and am missing you - and when I have those emotions or conditions in its peak all at the same time - I fail to appreciate things that contribute to my survival. Yesterday, my sister had my pants altered and I didn't even say thank you. Ano ba?
Of course, I get to the computer and find that this is another place I can be somewhat get lost in for a moment, so here I am, venting to you at almost 5 in the morning. =pMy little frustrations do build up but the bursting can end this minute. I figure that this is the life I need to re-adjust to. I was, for 18 days, just with you. No matter how strange it feels, I need to find my courage to live this again the way you find yours in living your life there. After all, this is supposed to be the "hit-the-ground-running" part. I HAVE TO LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE OR PAINT ONE IF NECESSARY to adjust to how things are right now, right here. I will keep on missing you every moment, I am sure of that. I am longing for you so bad it pierces my skin. Maybe I will just remind myself to breath in and breath out as steadily as possible and wait for the day until it comes naturally again.
I still can't sleep. I realize that, maybe, I can just look forward to seeing you again whether it's me going there or you coming back here (think positive!). "They" told me that in my case feeling sad or down is good because it means I am being human. It means I am not being this international master tactician - profiling expert – intelligence guru - psychological warfare specialist - I have surrendered to. "They" said it means I am allowing life to happen without acutely accurately predicting what's going to happen next. It means I am limiting the access to my brain by at least 50%. "They" said sadness makes me become almost human.
So yeah… to some point, this is good.With an average of 3 hours of sleep nightly, voluntarily or involuntarily, I have to figure out how to live the 'marathon' day? How do I start a new day knowing you will still not be here with me at every end of it? Gotta learn, gotta learn...
My knee still hurts due to that iliotibial band syndrome that does not allow me to run. I miss running. That is the one thing I do that gives me an hour and a half of my day all to myself. For an hour and a half I am fully excused for not caring about anything else in the world but my own body… putting my other foot in front of the other over and over… breathing through my nose and not my mouth… feeling the air wisps through my skin. It even gives me an excuse to curse, cry, smile at strangers, and raise my voice.
My eyes are drooping, and falling flat on my face from some mild form of fatigue would be the most logical thing to do. But, at this point, too much of my mental energy is going to my effort to keeping my sanity intact.
I MISS YOU BADLY.
I keep on telling myself one more day, I wish I had one more day or one more hour or one more minute with you. Just one more minute of looking at you or one more embrace or one more kiss or just one more moment feeling your presence. I know that's not true though. One more will never be enough.
I don't remember being so selfishly happy as I was when I was with you. It knocks the windout of me how 18 days of being with you could suddenly make the world without you be so unfamiliar. Everything is exactly the same as before you came. Same bed, same route, same people, same work but somehow it's different.
Now I am starting to regret not being able to do so many things with you I have always wanted to do. There were so many things to talk about, so many stories to share, so many questions I wanted to ask.
Then the things I miss, things I never thought I will – the long drive back home, the singing, the lines of your tattoos, the sound of your snore, you sleeping on my lap, your touch when you want me to stop biting you…. And so much more.
In the first few days of you being away, I wake up every morning looking for you beside me and when I realize you're not there anymore I think about how I could survive the day without you. It is only recently that I realized I have been surviving the day without you only it is painful. Now I have to figure out how everyday could be painless without you or if it is even possible.
I thank God for work opportunities and the patience to take on each task and job I get. I like being busy, having meetings to go to, scripts to write, stuff to research, things to figure out. I love and want to do this kind of thing. I just want to do all these with you around.
*sigh*
There are so many things to be done. I need to settle my family's finances especially now that I don't get "support" from "them" anymore. I need to get that done this year so I could start on my new goals next year. I want to start a business so that no matter where life takes me, I will always have something to go back to. I need to think about re-education. I need to go back to people and places I promised to go back to either to fulfill an obligation or some other practical or emotional reasons. I need to write – so many things.
I just need to find the energy, the appetite, and the patience.
Of course I am lacking sleep, and when I lack sleep and lonely and am missing you - and when I have those emotions or conditions in its peak all at the same time - I fail to appreciate things that contribute to my survival. Yesterday, my sister had my pants altered and I didn't even say thank you. Ano ba?
Of course, I get to the computer and find that this is another place I can be somewhat get lost in for a moment, so here I am, venting to you at almost 5 in the morning. =pMy little frustrations do build up but the bursting can end this minute. I figure that this is the life I need to re-adjust to. I was, for 18 days, just with you. No matter how strange it feels, I need to find my courage to live this again the way you find yours in living your life there. After all, this is supposed to be the "hit-the-ground-running" part. I HAVE TO LOOK AT THE BIG PICTURE OR PAINT ONE IF NECESSARY to adjust to how things are right now, right here. I will keep on missing you every moment, I am sure of that. I am longing for you so bad it pierces my skin. Maybe I will just remind myself to breath in and breath out as steadily as possible and wait for the day until it comes naturally again.
I still can't sleep. I realize that, maybe, I can just look forward to seeing you again whether it's me going there or you coming back here (think positive!). "They" told me that in my case feeling sad or down is good because it means I am being human. It means I am not being this international master tactician - profiling expert – intelligence guru - psychological warfare specialist - I have surrendered to. "They" said it means I am allowing life to happen without acutely accurately predicting what's going to happen next. It means I am limiting the access to my brain by at least 50%. "They" said sadness makes me become almost human.
So yeah… to some point, this is good.With an average of 3 hours of sleep nightly, voluntarily or involuntarily, I have to figure out how to live the 'marathon' day? How do I start a new day knowing you will still not be here with me at every end of it? Gotta learn, gotta learn...
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