Baby,
First things first.
Sorry about last night. I’m sorry for nagging you about her. I surprise myself too. This is the first time I have been bothered this way by another woman and to think, I am not even jealous of her. I cannot promise to not ask questions in the future anymore but there is something else I can promise you – that I will just make the most out of what I have with you right now. I will just be in the moment with you. I just want every minute that we have with each other be about all the great and crazy things we can share. We have 29 years behind us, 29 years we were never with each other. I just want to spend our time and energy catching up on that 29 years. I just want us to laugh so much, be happy twice as much, argue half as much, and just make as much memories as we can given our distance.
First things first.
Sorry about last night. I’m sorry for nagging you about her. I surprise myself too. This is the first time I have been bothered this way by another woman and to think, I am not even jealous of her. I cannot promise to not ask questions in the future anymore but there is something else I can promise you – that I will just make the most out of what I have with you right now. I will just be in the moment with you. I just want every minute that we have with each other be about all the great and crazy things we can share. We have 29 years behind us, 29 years we were never with each other. I just want to spend our time and energy catching up on that 29 years. I just want us to laugh so much, be happy twice as much, argue half as much, and just make as much memories as we can given our distance.
Come to think of it, there is really no other way to go for me. I’ve told you last night. It wasn’t long ago when I found myself headed towards the direction of loving you. They say that everyone who falls in love will have one moment… that moment when you can still turn back and walk away from it all. That moment when you still have the power to decide whether you will risk breaking your heart or continue living in a safe zone. I had that moment. I could still remember it. I was in Italy. I was tired and happy and excited. I like that country. I was walking, the sky was so clear, the air so clean, everything was just right except me. I’ve walked the streets of many countries before, alone. But this is the first time I didn’t feel right about it. I thought of you. You’re all I could think of. I remember feeling longing to have you by my side. To walk this street with you and the many more streets I will be walking on in the future. I closed my eyes imagining your hand in mine. And that’s when it hits me. This is it. This is my last chance to turn back and suffer only a manageable amount of pain. I didn’t want to turn back. I don’t mind falling in love with you. What I mind is the possible heartbreak. So I had a decision to make.
I went back to the hotel, still thinking about you. And I gave you a call. The moment I hear your voice, I realized I crossed that line. That moment is so behind me. Baby, the mere sound of your voice… the moment you said hello… the moment I hear you breathing on the phone… I just felt weak on my knees. Just like that, you changed my world.
So you see, there is really nothing I can do about it now. I’ve been walking on this one way street too long I actually don’t see a trace of where I came from. There is no turning back. I’m way too deep into that one-way street. Past the point of no return. I don’t see landmarks, no detours, no fire exits. All I see is a road that will lead me to you.
You now have the sole power to do whatever you wish with my heart – take care of it, play with it, bounce it around, crush it, grind it and leave to be consumed by single cell lifeforms. There really is nothing I can do about it.
And if in the future you do decide, for whatever reason, to go back to her, there really is nothing I can do about it either. It would be a decision that you alone will make. It scares me to death, the mere thought of it crushes me. The mere thought of not having you for the rest of my life, I swear to god, it’s killing me. But last night I also realized one thing – that who you end up with doesn’t matter AS LONG AS YOU ARE HAPPY.
So, you’re off the hook. Stop worrying about me. Just worry about you.
I will just ask for two things from you – if that time comes, make me the first one to know and please please please… do whatever it takes to keep your happiness.
For now, I have you. I will just enjoy the way you smile when you think of something naughty
… they way your eyes light up when you’re teasing me
… the way you look away and look back when you’re pissed or irritated
… your girlish laugh when you find something funny
… your crisply laugh when you find something that is really funny
… your dry flat voice when you’re really bored
… the way you’re changing my life
… the way you’re changing me
… the way you call me baby.
Everyday I will try… try to make you love me more, try to be a better person for you and for your future, try to simply be something or everything you need, try to be enough for you. Always.
I may fail as much as I will try but I will not stop. I just want to have times with you – good or bad – and no regrets.
Baby
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