My son has
decided not to see his father and has not done so to date. I am not sure if he
ever will and I am not forcing the issue. I, however, give his father an update
about our son because I believe that he deserves to know. I told him that his
son is graduating from college and a week after that, I got this letter.
My son has
read it and has since started asking questions about his dad.
Dear XXXX,
Twenty years
in here could mess anyone up. At some point you will feel that “in here” is no
different from “out there”. There are social group, political struggles and
war. Then at another point you will feel it’s better here. You have a roof over
your head, food on your table and clothing over your back all paid for by the
society you supposedly offended. And then at another point you will stop caring
about what’s out there… and what’s in here… and yourself.
I have been feeling that for a long time. Whatever is left of my belief in God is the only thing that’s holding me back from killing myself. I have been not caring… but not today.
Just a few hours ago your mother called to tell me you are graduating from college. For the first time since I can remember, I care. I wanted to run just to catch a glimpse of you today and I would gladly give up all the years of my life for that glimpse.
It is my inability to see you that is probably prompting me to write this letter even though I have no idea what to write. What do I really say to someone who know more than I do. I didn’t do enough rights in my life to give you an advice without sounding like a sham. I can’t even take credit for having you. Your mother fought for you, kept you and nurtured you.
I have no achievements, no possessions, no heroic moments. All I have are mistakes. It is all I could share to you in the hopes that you don’t commit the same ones.
Of the many mistakes, there are four I think that stand out.
The first one involves you and your mother. I was 19 when your mother told me she was pregnant. I just dropped out of school, at odds with my parents and had not job. The odds were against me… what I didn’t see is that your mom was in the exact same position. I asked your mom that if she pushes through with the pregnancy I was out of her life. Your mom chose you. Being a parent is a decision that required courage. That wasn’t me.
It is the same cowardice pushed me commit the crimes that brought me here. It is the same cowardice that made me not want to try to be anything… it is that cowardice that made me become nothing.
The second one involves my own parents. My story is not different from the stories of other families with disturbed backgrounds. It may differ in details but it is the same in its core. My father beat my mom every day since I can remember. When my mother left him and us, he turned to me and my brother. The only reason I survived the beatings is the hope that someday I would grow and become strong enough to beat him back and then I would search for my mom and show her the kind of person she turned me into.
I am not telling you this because I want to gain your sympathy. I think I have passed that stage. I am telling you this because I don’t want you to feel the same way I felt. I screwed up big time but if you continue hating me with the same hatred I felt for my parents, it will screw you over. Maybe not now but it will… someday.
I deserve what I am getting. I get that now but you don’t deserve to feel hatred.
The third one concerned my studies. I went to college for six months. I studied what I was advised to take up. I had no clue what I wanted to become and I figured the next choice in just as good as any. One month into it, I was bored. I couldn’t see the point in what I was doing and decided to drop out.
I was wrong to drop out and I was wrong to think that there was no point in all that. I just didn’t have enough sense to find what I loved doing. I was fighting all my life – my father, my brother, my mother, my other relatives – but in that point when I needed to fight the most, for my future, I didn’t .
The last one is what bought me here.
I pulled the trigger… I killed that woman. I remember hearing the verdict then. I knew I was guilty and I knew it was coming but once you hear someone officially telling you that you are going to jail, the crash will still kill you. I remember standing there and playing the entire scene in my head. I remember thinking had I not pulled the trigger, I would be walking out free.
That’s all it took, an inch of movement of one finger… that is what decided the rest of my life.
And yet, it was always an inch… a second… a moment that made me who I am now and put me where I am now. If I didn’t pull that trigger, if I held your mom’s hand the moment she walked away, if I forgave my parents the last time I saw them… things would have been different.
Moments son, I had them all and I let it all slip away.
I respect your decision not to see me and base on what your mother has been sending me and telling me, it seems to work out for you. And if not seeing you is my only contribution into making you the kind of man you are now, I will gladly keep on doing it.
I want you to know though that today made me care. Today I will hope again that someday I will walk out of here and finally make something of myself of the little time I will have life. I will hope that someday I can see you to at least apologize personally and at best start becoming a part of your life in any way you will allow me to. I will hope that someday I will get another chance at life. I will hope that someday I will make that chance worth it.
Of all the things that I lost, hoping is the only thing I can have back anytime because you are still out there.
I have been feeling that for a long time. Whatever is left of my belief in God is the only thing that’s holding me back from killing myself. I have been not caring… but not today.
Just a few hours ago your mother called to tell me you are graduating from college. For the first time since I can remember, I care. I wanted to run just to catch a glimpse of you today and I would gladly give up all the years of my life for that glimpse.
It is my inability to see you that is probably prompting me to write this letter even though I have no idea what to write. What do I really say to someone who know more than I do. I didn’t do enough rights in my life to give you an advice without sounding like a sham. I can’t even take credit for having you. Your mother fought for you, kept you and nurtured you.
I have no achievements, no possessions, no heroic moments. All I have are mistakes. It is all I could share to you in the hopes that you don’t commit the same ones.
Of the many mistakes, there are four I think that stand out.
The first one involves you and your mother. I was 19 when your mother told me she was pregnant. I just dropped out of school, at odds with my parents and had not job. The odds were against me… what I didn’t see is that your mom was in the exact same position. I asked your mom that if she pushes through with the pregnancy I was out of her life. Your mom chose you. Being a parent is a decision that required courage. That wasn’t me.
It is the same cowardice pushed me commit the crimes that brought me here. It is the same cowardice that made me not want to try to be anything… it is that cowardice that made me become nothing.
The second one involves my own parents. My story is not different from the stories of other families with disturbed backgrounds. It may differ in details but it is the same in its core. My father beat my mom every day since I can remember. When my mother left him and us, he turned to me and my brother. The only reason I survived the beatings is the hope that someday I would grow and become strong enough to beat him back and then I would search for my mom and show her the kind of person she turned me into.
I am not telling you this because I want to gain your sympathy. I think I have passed that stage. I am telling you this because I don’t want you to feel the same way I felt. I screwed up big time but if you continue hating me with the same hatred I felt for my parents, it will screw you over. Maybe not now but it will… someday.
I deserve what I am getting. I get that now but you don’t deserve to feel hatred.
The third one concerned my studies. I went to college for six months. I studied what I was advised to take up. I had no clue what I wanted to become and I figured the next choice in just as good as any. One month into it, I was bored. I couldn’t see the point in what I was doing and decided to drop out.
I was wrong to drop out and I was wrong to think that there was no point in all that. I just didn’t have enough sense to find what I loved doing. I was fighting all my life – my father, my brother, my mother, my other relatives – but in that point when I needed to fight the most, for my future, I didn’t .
The last one is what bought me here.
I pulled the trigger… I killed that woman. I remember hearing the verdict then. I knew I was guilty and I knew it was coming but once you hear someone officially telling you that you are going to jail, the crash will still kill you. I remember standing there and playing the entire scene in my head. I remember thinking had I not pulled the trigger, I would be walking out free.
That’s all it took, an inch of movement of one finger… that is what decided the rest of my life.
And yet, it was always an inch… a second… a moment that made me who I am now and put me where I am now. If I didn’t pull that trigger, if I held your mom’s hand the moment she walked away, if I forgave my parents the last time I saw them… things would have been different.
Moments son, I had them all and I let it all slip away.
I respect your decision not to see me and base on what your mother has been sending me and telling me, it seems to work out for you. And if not seeing you is my only contribution into making you the kind of man you are now, I will gladly keep on doing it.
I want you to know though that today made me care. Today I will hope again that someday I will walk out of here and finally make something of myself of the little time I will have life. I will hope that someday I can see you to at least apologize personally and at best start becoming a part of your life in any way you will allow me to. I will hope that someday I will get another chance at life. I will hope that someday I will make that chance worth it.
Of all the things that I lost, hoping is the only thing I can have back anytime because you are still out there.
XXXXX
No comments