Dear Baby,
Do you feel what I feel? When I am scared, do you feel scared too?
I read that a baby in the womb will feel everything a mother feels. You think
what I think. You hate what I hate and you love what I love.
If that is true then you must be scared to hell like I am. I mean,
I can barely getting though my teen years and here I am about to be a mother.
Soon enough, you will come out and will rely on me completely to survive. How
am I supposed to guide you when I can barely survive myself? I am barely a good
daughter and I have to be a great mother to you. If babies really feel what a
mother feels then you must feel that.
Maybe you sometimes hate your father too because I do. I hate him
especially at night when I can’t go out with my friends anymore. I need to work
so that I have some money for you when you come out. I hate him whenever I see
our photos together and I especially hate him whenever I see him with other
girls. I can’t help but imagine him knocking someone up. Do you think that too?
I am sorry, I know those things shouldn’t be in the minds of children,
especially when you are just a fetus.
Do you feel sad too? I often feel that. I feel like I am missing
out on high school. When my friends are out having a good time, being young,
being high school, I have to be a mother. But I have no one else to blame but
myself. I would love to blame your dad but I know that in the end this is my
body, this is my life. Only I have the power over it. I waited my entire life
to be old enough to go out with my friends and do all the things I see other
high school students do and I just threw it all away like that.
You must feel angry too. It’s when I am angry that I feel you most active like you want to get out
of my tummy. I am angry more than I usually am. I am not an angry person. Back
then, I let things pass, I let people get away with the bad things they do to
me because I simply am not the kind that becomes angry like that. Now, I am
angry often but I don’t know who to be angry to and it makes me angrier.
Sometimes I just want to hit someone, scream at someone, hurt someone. But I
don’t know to whom.
But if you really feel what I feel then you must feel that I love
you and all those feelings I have has nothing to do with you. It could be about
me or your father or the world but nothing to do with you because I love you.
Even if we haven’t met yet, I already love you. I can’t wait to see you. I
can’t wait to hold your hand and hear your laugh and look at your eyes. I can’t
wait to be a mother to you.
I don’t know if I will ever figure it out you know? Motherhood.
But you must know that in my heart and in my mind and in my soul I will try my
best to be good at it and I will not stop until I get it right.
You must feel too that my love for you is greater than all those
emotions put together and multiplied a million times. You must feel that
because that’s what I feel every second of everyday and let me assure you that
I will do my best to make you feel that when you come out.
I’ll see you soon baby.
Your,
Teen Mommy
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