...time could fly by without me feeling
it. Fall asleep and wake up when THE month has passed when the waiting is all
over, when it’s too late to do anything to change what could have been.
Whatever the outcome of this coming may be.
...i could just feel “done” with my
careers. i want to not want anything anymore, not need anything, not even care.
I want to move on, enter a new world, want something else more than I wanted
what I have.
...i could sit on the edge of a mountain where I can see the whole city. Feel the wind but not be blown away. Feel cool air but not feel cold. Experience the silence but feel alone. Have the absolute freedom to jump off and know death with certainty and not want it. I just want to not care about anything but that moment.
...i could forgive... myself. Fully. Purely. With no conditions. And no expectations.
...not be a photocopy of someone else or a shadow of some idea I had of what I was going to be when I get to this point.
...i could make sense of everything. Answer every freakin’ question. Find THE reason for every darn pain.
...i could spend one more day with the people I love and lost. If only I could hug them one more time, kiss them one more time, touch them one more time, see them look at me one more time… ask for forgiveness.
…undo the damages I caused and always do
better the next time.
...do something that really matters. I
don’t want to be remembered after my death but I want to leave something
behind. It doesn’t have to be something that will change history or will affect
billions of people. It just has to be something that helped some people in
little ways that matter.
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